New Pace and Targets - Week 3

"There's nothing worth getting in this world that you can get easily. But, when you put in that much time and effort, if you do achieve that difficult thing, it becomes the cream of your life," wrote Haruki Murakami.

The cream that I am now pursuing is walking normally again, without a crutch and at a normal pace. Entering the third week of ACL surgery, I am putting the time and effort into training my injured leg.

Before my injury, I always wanted more. Of what, I did not exactly know, but I never felt enough. I filled my schedule as full as possible. For example, immediately after climbing Yushan, I thought I was wasting time while resting at home. I needed more fun, more experience, and accomplishments in my life; to climb that mountain, visit that country, and earn that certificate. I needed more, and I needed to go faster.

Tearing my ACL forced me to stop.

I recently read the essay "The Stages of Life" by Carl Jung. Life has different stages, and age means something, Carl Jung believed, unlike the modern saying that age is just a number. A life with direction is, in general, "better, richer, and healthier," and it is "better to go forward with the stream of time than backwards against it". The stages are first, childhood, when kids believe that they are the center of the world; second, adolescence and young adulthood, when the youths realise the universe cares little about them and they have to struggle to gain the approval from society; third, middle age, when middle-aged men and women learnt that life is not constantly mounting and unfolding. Instead, at a certain point, life starts to contract. Earning money, extension of conquest, and expansion of life cannot continue endlessly beyond reason and sense. We need to give serious attention to ourselves, rather than constantly seeking external approval. Lastly, we learn to get old in the last chapter of our lives.

"For a young person it is almost a sin - and certainly a danger - to be too much occupied with himself; but for the ageing person it is a duty and a necessity to give serious attention to himself," said Carl Jung.

I am not saying that I am aging in my thirties (actually, I am, in fact, everyone ages from birth. You get the idea), but it does no harm to slow down slightly and give myself and those around me more attention.

Life inevitably gets slower after the surgery. Not only do I have fewer activities (my calendar is empty most days now), but I also need to do everything more slowly, given my painful knee and the crutches in my hand. My goals now are humble but concrete – to straighten my knee completely or to be able to bend my knee a few degrees more each day. A physiotherapist even told me not to rush into walking without crutches.

I would not have the illusion that when I manage to walk properly again, someone will give me a round of applause (actually, the same goes for whatever "accomplishments" I ever had). This is an interesting way to force myself to turn attention inwards by not seeking approval from anyone.

These two weeks, I feel like I am slowly but surely returning to my "normal" lifestyle. Moving back to my place and no longer relying on my family for every simple task (although I still do on many things), going down for coffee, taking easy upper body gym sessions, or eating meals outside, are all tiny yet satisfying steps.

I have a habit of writing a "3-year diary". Each page in the diary has three columns, one for each year. Every day, when I write in my diary, I read about what I did on the same day last year. Sometimes, I thought what I did was so normal, and I wondered if I should record such an activity.

This injury tells me that I definitely should. It is self-explanatory when you read a typical day for me last year: Morning: coffee; 30-minute swim; work at the office; dinner with family; badminton at night.

Now, most of this cannot happen due to my injury (working at the office is another issue). I am quite sure that the same day next year will look very different from today, and I will miss this period dearly (at least for some aspects). Therefore, I will jot down the mundane things that I do daily now.

It is not easy to be patient. It is even harder to trust that my body will be able to walk, run, jump, and hike again when I am in such a poor condition. Watching people play tennis on TV is now enough to give me a great scare and chill me to the bone. (What are they doing with their knees!) Well, one step at a time, I will focus on straightening my knee – this is something I can imagine myself doing. Like physical ability, it might just take time and patience to train my mind and build confidence.

While there is no need to rush and give this injury a meaning or positive spin, I do sincerely believe that this process will make me more resilient and hopefully a better man.

Until next time, take care.