On Fear and A Man's Value - Week 4

One good thing about ACL recovery is that you see clear progress each week. This week, I hit a few milestones: I transitioned from using two crutches to just one, drove for the first time, and got on a stationary bike, among other everyday activities that I did not think would be difficult.

Despite the improvements, I am still largely reliant on the good intentions of those around me, and I have a lot of free time on my hands, which forces me to face two great fears.

First, I feel rather useless at times, and uselessness is one of the deepest fears of any man or woman. I quit my job slightly prematurely, forced to put a halt to traveling or doing things I considered challenging, and am having difficulties with the most basic task of taking care of myself, let alone the dogs or other people.

I was accustomed to proving my value through earning money, doing enjoyable things, and being responsible for some household chores like walking the dogs (or at least I persuaded myself that what I did was meaningful).

None of those is possible now. (My wife did confirm, and re-confirm, with the doctor and physiotherapist that I would be good enough for housework in a few months.) So, what are my values, and those of my life, if I can do none of those?

Another fear I constantly face is the possibility of reinjuring myself. The scene of me injuring myself gets replayed in my brain often. Honestly, I did not think I did anything too special in the badminton game where I got the most serious injury in my lifetime. (I have been doing the same move since primary school.) So what is there to prevent me from retearing my ACL or suffering from a similar injury? What is there to prevent people I care about from being hurt in a traffic accident? (The human brain is a worrying machine that is not the most logical. )

One could, of course, hold a belief that this will never happen. Sadly, I am not blessed with such naivety. Yet, constantly worrying is also no way to live. Seneca, the Stoic philosopher, suggested that we could imagine the worst-case scenario every day, so that when that happens, you are ready for it. With all respect, I do not think it works. One simply cannot endure a hardship by preparing through imagination.

I learnt a better way from the little book Excellent Advice for Living by Kevin Kelly (the founder of Wired magazine) - that we can actively choose to believe that the entire universe is conspiring behind our back to make us a success. After all, being alive is already an extraordinary piece of good luck and an incredibly remote event. It is not too far-fetched that Lady Fortune decides to continue your lucky streak. This is different from the naivety suggested above. The world simply has too many possibilities, and we cannot work out all of them. We know the world is a cruel and brutal place, and anything can go wrong at any time, but we choose to live with hope and as a functioning human bring.

People with a pressing fear of losing their property or of being driven to exile or enslaved also lose all desire to eat, drink or sleep, whereas those who are actually impoverished, banished or enslaved often enjoy life as much as anyone else. – Michel de Montaigne

I love how Nassim Taleb put this. To be anti-fragile, we need to transform fear into prudence, pain into information, mistakes into initiation, and desire into undertaking.

Disorder and new experience form character and help one acquire knowledge. Without a doubt, this injury is an unexperienced obstacle for me, both mentally and physically. The boredom during my recovery turned my attention inwards. Quoting Nassim Taleb again, true wealth is worriless sleeping, a clear conscience, reciprocal gratitude, absence of envy, good appetite, muscle strength, physical energy, frequent laughs, no meals alone, hobbies, good bowel movement, no meeting rooms, and periodic surprises. I understood this intellectually before, but this recent disorder of my life planted it in my heart far more deeply than any book ever could.

Such true wealth is by no means easy to achieve. Yet, it does provide some comfort that I am not completely worthless, even though I am not making money or doing exciting things, and it does shed light on what I should pay more attention to during and after this recovery process. I would not go so far as to claim that is the value and meaning of life, but I do believe it is a good starting point. I wish to uncover more each day by living.

I would like to conclude this piece with a brief passage from "How to Sit" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

You may know a person like this. He is calm and still. He is not always busy, nor does he earn a lot of money or participate in many projects. But his existence makes everyone feel better. He is there, solid and fully alive, and without doing much, he is making a very positive contribution. May we all strive to be that person.

Until next time, take care.